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03 January 2013 @ 02:28 pm
Seems My Resolutions Have Made Themselves  
Like it or not, it looks like I'm again going to be dealing with how to cope with being alone and change. Lots of change. Change that I don't even know if I can deal with yet.

Three days into 2013 and I'm already feeling like I'm in a palace with a hundred rooms, screaming my head off, and all I get is an occasion pat in the head. Everyone, and I mean everyone [except L2], is too wrapped up in their own stuff right now. Which I get, but it doesn't always help. Where is everyone when I need them? When I'm so scared out of my mind that I don't even know how to get through the day NOT thinking about where we're going to be in the scheme of things three months for now? When I'm at great standing at my job [which is a bitch, but the money is finally worth it], but that's not going to matter if I can't get to it? When I'm literally having nightmares every night over this? I can't even go into how much crying I've been doing over this. I'm scared out of my mind and no one is even taking it seriously. And no one's there.  

And after the season I just dealt with? The one where I almost walked out three times?

This is part of the reason that there was the postponement. I just can't get back into it yet, guys. Did I mention that we've lost staff again with no warning? Yeah.

Well, now that the drama queen rant is out, I'll hush. I just needed to see this written down so that I know my feelings are valid. And no one take this as a potshot at any one person. This is RL, LJ, Tumblr, YT, and just my life in general. None of it's good right now. And to make matters worse, no one has even told me that it's valid. Like I said, a pat on the head and send me on my way. I guess I just need to not give out so much to anyone. If I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt, would it?
scribblemyname: hugsscribble_myname on January 3rd, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
No. It still hurts. I did the not care thing for too many years, and I just want to say, Don't go there. It hurts and it makes you cold and you still care, but it's easier to lie to yourself and just bleed where no one's looking. :hugs: I hope life gets better for you soon, and I mean that.
Lois: LS-Verse :: Lois Jason :: Never Doubt Lokalalanekent on January 3rd, 2013 07:38 pm (UTC)
I know. I know, I know. But it's just so tempting right now to push it away. I just don't get why, after all of this work...

*hugs you extra tight* Thank you, bb. You don't know how much I needed this right now. I swear, I so did.
Kattxenokattz on January 3rd, 2013 08:33 pm (UTC)
That feeling bites like all hell get out. I'm sorry I can only offer hugs. *HUUUUUUUUUUUUGS*
(Anonymous) on January 4th, 2013 10:47 pm (UTC)
Take a deep breath.
I've been absolutely in love with the Superman movies (not three or four, which i refuse to acknowledge, and only the director cut of 2, of course) since I was old enough to comprehend television screens. I've also been a die-hard writer for as long as I've had the ability. And after reading your little 'drama rant', as you called it, I'm here to tell you I do care. Life just sucks sometimes, plain and simple. I'm struggling in school, not because I lack intelligence (at least, I don't think so), but because I've never been very good at learning from others. But I don't even know you, and your stories have captured my imagination from the very first time I read one. I'm almost sixteen, I have a fantastic boyfriend, I'm a swimmer and one of the 'popular kids', you could say. But things like that are trivial; I'm in high school, the good times won't last forever. But, as the universe goes, neither will the bad times. You'll make it through. Despite my youth, I've been put through hell a bit more than some people, which is a story too long and personal for me to go into. My point through all of this is, there are ALWAYS people who care. Even people, like me, who you don't even know, that read your stories RELIGIOUSLY (seriously, I'm a giant Superman nerd). And, as you probably know, even if you feel like you have a writer's block born of upset, it's best to just sit down with an empty notebook or blank computer document and just write whatever your mind wants you to say. It'll help. I hope things go better for you soon.
Lois: LS-Verse :: Lois Jason :: Never Doubt Lokalalanekent on January 5th, 2013 07:56 pm (UTC)
Re: Take a deep breath.
Let me start this out by telling you that you are incredible and I wish I had been able to do this for someone when I was your age. Let me also add that I sat and cried some seriously grateful tears after this. You, my darling, just put everything in perspective in a way no one close to me has managed yet. I just sat here and let this filter through. You just floor me and I'll be forever thankful for it.

You, kiddo, are amazing and NEVER let anyone tell you different. PERIOD.

And I am sincerely blessed to have a reader like you. There are days why I wonder why I press on with it when the reviews are low [and yes, they can be non-existent at times], but then I look at the hit-counter and I know you guys are here. I know. I guess sometimes you just have to have a moment of proof, to actually TALK to someone to reassure you. And I need to remember that, even if I can't see you, you're there. All of you are there, even when I feel like I'm nothing and not worth notice.

I hate it when I do that, just rant like no one else has even felt like this before, but I just couldn't hold it in and couldn't let it go. Which is half the reason, like I said, that I disappeared last month. I didn't want all of you to have to listen to all of the sad stuff. Thanks for staying, anyway.

Annnnd, like I told Nire, the other day, now you see that I'm long-winded in everything I write. *LOL* What I really wanted to say was 'message received' and that you are wonderful for having written this. It truly meant a lot, especially since I remember being your age and how tough it is, and here you are comforting me. Shouldn't it be the other way around? And that you love Reeveverse [and I'm not a fan of III and IV, either, as you know. There are some rough diamonds to be used, but still] is just the icing on the cake.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. ♥ ♥ ♥
(Anonymous) on January 6th, 2013 03:45 am (UTC)
I'm glad I was able to make you feel better, and trust me, as a teen I understand ranting perfectly. I have an entire laptop (which doesn't go on the internet because my parents insist that I need to not spend my life on the internet. pssh) FULL of ranting. And of course, my writing. I do hope I'm as good as you one day, because your stories are magnificent to the point where they have their own heartbeats.

You should ALWAYS remember that you're noticed by your friends and your fans and the people who love you (like, for instance, friends and fans). Since I'm a kid in high school, I have to remind myself of that quite often. But things are never as bad as they seem. And unfortunately, since human beings are naturally egocentric as a species (though some seem to take it a little farther than natural development, to my extreme annoyance), it is underrated how difficult it is to learn from the situations of others, which is why if I go and fail a Biology test tomorrow and someone says "Suck it up, there are people starving in the Middle East!", I will go on feeling just as bad for myself except with the addition of feeling guilty for not fully grasping others' problems. But I'm a middle-class American kid in a nice suburban house surrounded by an awesome family with a knack for sarcasm and loud Irish personality. To make an educated guess, I'll never be in a "Third-World" situation.

My point, of course, being that it is unnecessary to apologize for feeling.

So, let me inform you. My name is Eliza Andrews, and I will be following you on twitter because I take an interest in your life. I find that people who are awesome/expressive in writing are often very cool people.

I think you're cool. That is all.

"Don't forget to be Awesome." - The Vlogbrothers (Youtube. Check 'em out. They're bosses at life.)
Raeautumnrae89 on January 10th, 2013 03:25 pm (UTC)

Everything you feel is valid. Everything you feel is important.

I know this is little consolation because you need every hug and bit of love you can get in your hard times but you have to know that everyone who loves you is thinking about you. I'm not on LJ very much but I always read your posts and I always think about you and Anissa in my life, just like everyone I've met on here because you matter. I love you and I always will. I may not be *here* but I am here for you. So keep sharing and keep going because even if it doesn't always feel like it, you have people to catch you.
Lois: LS-Verse :: Lois Jason :: Never Doubt Lokalalanekent on January 17th, 2013 06:42 pm (UTC)
RAE! *extra-tight hugs*

I'm sorry it's taken this long to reply, but I caught the flu and I'm just now getting back to replies on everything.

Know that I love you very, very much. Honestly, I've missed you a lot. I miss all of the Family. Maybe one day, all of us will be here again.

And I wibbled. I honestly know that you guys love me [and I love all of you just as much, I promise], so it had to have been chemical. I think the deep, dark, scary place I was in was due to the sudden extreme change in both weather here and the end of the Christmas season, which had been REALLY bad this year. And it just spiraled out of nowhere. I've had fits of depression before, but that was the bleakest it's been in years.

I have to get back to posting more, which might prompt a couple more people to post more. I wish I actually liked Dreamwidth, with how dead things have been here on LJ,so I'm not leaving.

And thank you again for this. Any time it gets too rough in the future, I need to come back and read this post. Thank you, bb. *snuggles*