Title: 20 Random Facts about Lois Lane
Author: Lois Joos (kalalanekent) with help from Anissa Roy (anissa7118)
Rating: PG-13 for commentary about her love life and profanity.
Characters: CLOIS! Clark Kent, Jor-El, Jason and Kala, Sam Lane, Ella Lane, and Lucy Troupe are all mentioned.
‘Verse: AU Superman movieverse (Little Secrets)
Warning(s): Contains sexual innuendo and spoilers for the Little Secrets universe. OMG, we have a ‘verse.
Word Count: 1,536
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters (I co-own Kala, however), and I’m not making money off of this. It’s all in good fun, so please don’t sue me.
Author’s Note: Written for the DC Random Facts Fest. If you aren’t familiar with the fanfic novel Little Secrets, I strongly suggest reading it. The gist of the story can be found by watching STM, SII, and Superman Returns, but imagine that in the last film, a) Lois had twins whom she named Jason and Kala, b) by the time she had those kids, Lois knew the entire truth about how they were conceived and chose to keep their father’s secrets anyway, and c) Lois’ character is derived much more from Margot Kidder’s performance than from Kate Bosworth’s – our Lois swears, carries a gun, and has been frequently called the ballsiest Lois in fanfic.
- Lois wouldn’t admit it under torture, but the whole reason she started smoking was because her father found film noir femme fatales attractive. Most of them smoked, and a young Lois came to associate cigarettes with sophistication, beauty, and fatherly approval.
- In her downtime, Lois sometimes dresses very casually, just jeans and a t-shirt. The shirts usually have a snarky or sarcastic slogan on them, something like “I’m right, you’re wrong, get over it” or “People like you are the reason people like me need medication.” Clark is appropriately horrified.
- When Sam died, Lois told her mother and sister that she would not attend his funeral – at that point, father and daughter hadn’t spoken in over two years. No amount of arguing, cajoling, or in Lucy’s case, threats, could change Lois’ mind. It was only after the military personnel and the new widow had left that Lucy, lingering by her dad’s grave, caught a glimpse of her older sister standing on a hill. It turned out that Lois had watched the entire graveside service from that distance, but she swore Lucy to secrecy.
- To this day, Lois refuses to participate in family visits to Sam’s grave and has never been back to the cemetery … except for once just before her marriage to Clark. At that visit, she intended to merely inform him of her impending wedding to his grandchildren’s father, but wound up pouring out her heart. All of her bitterness and frustration were summed up in two sentences: “You were wrong about me – you were so wrong about me, you had all my front-page stories in your office for years, but you could had to be General Lane and never admit you were wrong. That’s why you missed everything in my life, and I wish I could say I don’t care about you, I don’t care about any of it … but I can’t.”
- Lois detests breakfast food on general principle; eating in the morning just wastes time she could better use sleeping. Of course, her principles are defeated by the fact that she sometimes takes lunch as early as ten o’clock – once, famously, at nine. The only exceptions to the anti-breakfast rule are when traveling or on Saturday, when the twins plead for her to join them in the morning meal.
- Concerned by the fact that she misses that all-important morning meal, Clark has resorted to sneaking protein bars into her purse, briefcase, or pockets as she heads out of the house each morning. Lois has a drawer in her desk that’s completely full of the stupid protein bars – it happens to be the locked drawer where she hides her emergency flask of vodka.
- Years after the fact, Lois learned something disturbing about the apartment she lived in back when she first met Clark. It turns out that it was never rent-controlled as she always supposed; her father paid half the rent. Ella Lane bullied him into doing it because he had driven Lois out of their house at sixteen years old, and after his death Ella quietly continued the payments.
- She was a fan of Thomas Harris’ books, reading Red Dragon and The Silence of the Lambs in a single marathon session each. The suspense and psychological drama of both novels compelled her. When Hannibal came out, she read that as well, immediately absorbed in the tense interplay of characters. At the conclusion of the book, Lois was stunned to realize that she found the ultimate pairing of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling not only believable, but strangely triumphant. In a weird way, they struck her as a perfect couple. Years later, though, after having been kidnapped by Lex Luthor, the reporter couldn’t bear to read any of the series, and all three Harris novels wound up donated to Goodwill.
- Lois can’t stand baseball, but when Clark and the twins go to Monarchs games she always checks the score before they get home. That way she knows what kind of mood they’ll be in and whether the rest of her night will be spent bored to tears listening to excited retellings of great plays, or bored to tears listening to the trio bemoan some pitcher’s incompetence.
- No matter how she feels, whether exhausted, a bit sick, or truly ill, Lois will have her caffeine. Even if she’s nauseous and knows the coffee will come right back, she still has to drink it – some vital amount of that caffeine gets absorbed during the few minutes it’s in her stomach, right? Clark, observing the inevitability of this (and Lois’ indescribably foul mood on being denied coffee), has purchased a mug for her that reads, “There’s too much blood in my caffeine stream.”
- Lois never had a favorite brand of shampoo or perfume until she lived in Paris. There she discovered perfumers who could custom-blend a fragrance for her, and fell in love with the blend of rose, sandalwood, clove, and amber that they eventually developed. She’s special-ordered all her bath stuff from them ever since.
- Lois never ceases to be amazed at how often people can mispronounce a name with only four letters. This goes for herself (she is neither Louis nor Louise) as well as Kala (not Kayla).
- For all of her aggressiveness and domineering behavior in all other aspects of her life, Lois absolutely loves it when Kal-El takes control in bed. She would never actually admit that aloud, however.
- When Lois lived in her apartment, she found a cute fluffy kitten wandering outside the Daily Planet building one day, and brought him home in spite of her no-pets clause. Naming him Elroy, she successfully hid him from the landlord for several years. When she finally got busted taking him to the vet for his shots, she had to give him to her sister. This makes Elroy one of the two cats in her famous commentary about Lucy’s life: “Three kids, two cats, and one mortgage – yech! I’d go bananas in a week!”
- Lois never thought she was pretty as a child; that was Lucy, of the golden hair and blue eyes and heart-shaped face. Lois decided early that she had to find something else to make her memorable. Ironically, the character and drive she developed to counteract what she considered her plainness have elevated her striking features into the realm of stunning beauty. Even Lucy is jealous of her sister’s looks and would be startled to know that Lois still thinks her younger sister is far prettier.
- Lois was not a virgin when she met Clark – she’d had relatively few lovers, but she wasn’t pure as the driven snow by any stretch of the imagination. However, as adventurous as she was, there are still things she has never done with any man but Kal-El, most of them related to intimacy or control. She has never kept eye contact with anyone else as she fell from the pinnacle of pleasure, never allowed anyone else to pin her down (and reacted violently to attempts to do so), and never wept from sheer extraordinary pleasure with any other man.
- When Clark first met her, Lois’ hair was flat-ironed because that was the current style. It’s naturally wavy, and after the twins were born, she didn’t have the time or inclination to put that much effort into it. When she came back to Metropolis, everyone liked the new look, so she let the hair stay wavy.
- Lois still has the blue-chiffon evening gown she wore on that first interview with Superman. Many times during his absence she contemplated giving it away, cutting it to ribbons, or burning it, but she could never quite bring herself to do so. It has lurked at the back of the spare closet in a garment bag for years, with Richard unaware of its existence or significance.
- Surprisingly, the strongest person in Lois’ world isn’t Superman. It’s her mother, Ella Lane. Not only did Ella persevere through the trials of raising two daughters (one of them headstrong) while married to an active-duty general, she has also beaten cancer twice. The family doesn’t make any particular mention of it, Ella having been in remission for several years, but Lois makes a monthly contribution to breast cancer research.
- As depressed as she was during her pregnancy, as unprepared as she was for the twins’ birth, and as terrified as she was that she would turn out to be an awful, cold-hearted mother, Lois fell madly in love with Jason and Kala the moment they were handed to her in the delivery room. She’d be embarrassed if forced to admit it, but she did all the cutesy new-mom stuff: nuzzling noses with them, playing with their toes, waking up in the middle of the night and just staring at them with love thudding so hard in her chest that it seemed she couldn’t breathe. Lois never imagined she could love anything or anyone as much as she loved Kal-El, and was shocked every day to realize that the twins came first in her own heart, even before her own life and cherished independence.
Wondering what Clark has to say for himself? Go read this.